Swimsuits cause terror, panic in dressing room

Everything seems to kind of come full circle in spring.

Everyone’s favorite bro is back on campus – Brother Micah, obviously – and students stop hating their lives because they can finally go outside without being punched in the gut by sub-Arctic temperatures. But most importanly, girls are back on campus, soaking up some sun while nearly naked.

And when I say nearly naked, I mean they’re usually lounging on McMicken Commons or Sigma Sigma Commons in nothing but their bathing suits.

As frustrating as it is to see anyone sunbathing on campus – I, for one, am not interested to see what you have going on – the sunbathers serve as a constant reminder that it’s that time of year. Yeah, that time. Girls, you know what I mean.

Time to strip down and suit up … Or, well, try to suit up.

It’s not like shopping for a bathing suit is at the top of many people’s list of favorite activities. And even if it were enjoyable, it’s not particularly easy. There are so many things to take into account.

For example: Is the bottom too big? When I kick off the wall of the pool will it hang back, leaving me to my own devices without any sort of baby-maker coverup?

“Ugh, finding the right bottoms is the hardest part; they’re either too saggy/droopy or too small and show too much cheek,” said Lauren Smallwood, a second-year art history student, via Facebook.

Is the top too big? When jumping off the diving board, will the top fly into my face? Will someone get a scandalous photo and expose my over exposure? Or what about when I go down the water slide and hit the water? Uh oh.

Is this one-piece suit long enough? Am I going to have to worry about dreaded wedgies – front and back?

And then, there’s all the excitement you feel when you find a suit you love, I mean, the “I can’t live without it” kind of love. And then, there’s the inevitable letdown when one piece – if you’re looking for a two-piece suit – doesn’t quite work out.

“Large boobs plus skinny body = wtf?” said Jessica Shepherd, a second-year chemical engineering student, via Facebook. “They treat female bodies as if they’re all the same, and if you vary from that template at all, you’re doomed; big tops go with big bottoms, which isn’t always the case. I end up paying a ridiculous amount of money for a suit that fits properly but is usually in a pattern/style I don’t particularly like.”

So, what’s the trick? There has to be one, right?

Some women offer up their advice on how to shop for a suit so you don’t want to die afterward.

“Get naked only once,” said Alicia Kan, of Chicago, via Twitter. “Ruthlessly edit what goes into the dressing room with you. Less choice + less faffing [sic] about = focus.”

I couldn’t agree more. The less you take into the fitting room, the less to try on and the less of a chance you have to find things wrong (with the suit or to inflict some sort of misperception about the way your body looks).

How do you know if it works?

“You have to love it on you,” said Katie Krafka, a third-year electronic media student.

Correct. If you don’t love it on you at first, it’s probably not going to grow on you. Take it off, walk away; try something else. If you end up buying something because it looks cuter hanging up than it does on your body, you’ll end up feeling more self-conscious and
more uncomfortable.

Don’t put swimsuit shopping off until the last minute. If you’re going on a Caribbean cruise or plan on spending some time in a bikini/tankini/bathing suit/wetsuit give yourself at least a couple weeks to find something you’re comfortable in that you actually don’t
mind wearing.

Cover up appropriately; don’t wear thongs and Lil’ Kim Video Music Awards-style bathing suits (especially on campus – and maybe not around Brother Micah. OK, maybe around Brother Micah.)