Shoppers: please mind your manners

I used to work in retail ... Still do from time-to-time.

Spend enough time in the business and you’ll experience it all: cranky customers, cranky customers who compensate by being overly polite, paranoid “Does my butt look big in these jeans?” customers and the downright rude and nasty customers.

There’s no code of conduct for shoppers, but maybe there should be. I mean, there are certain behaviors you expect from people when you’re in public, but some feel that if they’re spending their hard earned money they have the right to be snooty.

And don’t look over at your neighbor, giving them the stink eye like they’re the one to blame. You’ve probably done it too. You’ve left your unwanted items in a dressing room for the underpaid sales associate to put back. You’ve snapped at the cashier when an item rang up for $5 instead of $3.99 when it was in clearance bin. Certainly you’ve become unjustifiably angry when the clothing item of choice was sold out in your size.

By the way, stores don’t generally stock more smalls hoping to keep bigger people out; larger sizes tend to sell more quickly.

Doesn’t make sense? Refuse to believe it? Well, believe this: The average American woman is now a size 14 and she weighs in at 163 pounds.

Just throwing that out there, do with it what you will.

So, why are shoppers so angry? What can be done? Can anything be done?

Certainly it’s up to the individual shopper, but if there was some sort of unwritten but universally understood rules to shopping, here’s what they’d look like if I was the ruler of the world.

Thou shall acknowledge improper body contact. If you accidentally run into someone, own up to it. Don’t just bump into someone and walk away – apologize for running into them.

Thou shall not squeeze a large cart into a tiny aisle. Pay attention to the available space and the size of whatever you have to maneuver. If you’re carrying eight large Macy’s shopping bags, don’t walk down an aisle hardly wide enough for a toddler when there is clearly someone walking from the opposite direction. You’re shopping, not playing chicken.

Thou shall acknowledge the hard work of underpaid college students. Minimum wage is a staggering $7.30 per hour. Many of the people you encounter in retail are likely to be college-age students working to pay rent, tuition, buy books, whatever. As college students, we should be the most sympathetic. If the cashier forgets your coupon, charges you for an extra item or can’t get your credit card to run through, settle down. All of these things can be remedied. Well, everything minus your defunct credit card if it is, in fact, declined.

Thou shall keep children within arm’s reach. Whether you’re babysitting or have children of your own, at least pretend like you want them around if they’re bopping around the mall with you. Maintain contact. Don’t let them wander. That’s how kids end up on the side of milk cartons.

Thou shall not be unreasonably angry. One of the most aggravating things about retail is the lack of intelligence some shoppers seem to have. If you’re out on Christmas Eve buying all of your gifts, don’t expect stores to have all the gift boxes you desire, especially if you’re expecting them free of charge.

Thou shall not use thy cell phone while at the register. Cell phone etiquette, people. How can you communicate with the cashier if you’re too busy talking to your best friend about how outrageously inebriated you were last night? You’ll hold up the entire line.

Additionally, thou shall use digression when speaking aloud. Once, while standing in line for a fitting room, I learned that in order to be considered sexually promiscuous a woman must sleep with at least two different people in the same quarter, but she can round third base as many times as she pleases without being considered, for lack of a more sophisticated and polite term, a slut.

So, consider this a call for action. Reconsider shopping habits, don’t lose your kids, be kind to cashiers. Just, in general, stop being so rude.