Sexy costume better than slutty lingerie

Where I spent the earliest years of my childhood education, Valley View Elementary, in Wadsworth, Ohio, we used to have Halloween parties and dress up in costumes. We would assemble in a single-file line – boy, girl, boy, girl – and walk down the street where our parents lined the sidewalk waving and cheering as we marched on. We were such good ghouls and goblins.

Fast forward 14 or 15 years. Imagine University of Cincinnati students walking down Clifton Avenue in their grown-up Halloween costumes. Naughty nurses, corrupt cops, promiscuous pirates and slutty sailors falling in line behind one another with thigh-high pleather boots, cleavage and midriff for days.

Instead of parents lining the sidewalks, it’s the easily aroused waving and cheering, cat calling and hollering.

I wonder if that’s what our parents were thinking of when they saw little Susie and Mary bopping along dressed as a ghost and a witch.

Halloween is the one day of the year when it is perfectly acceptable for even the most conservative women to hike up their skirts, pull down their tops and adorn their legs with fishnet stockings.

“In the regular world, Halloween is the night where regular children dress up in costume and beg for candy,” said Cady in Mean Girls. “In girl world, Halloween is the one night a year when a girl can dress like a total slut and no other girls can say anything about it. The hardcore girls just wear lingerie and some form of animal ears.”

Cady may think no other girl can say anything about such salacious fashion, but ladies, I’m calling you out.

For anyone who is severely misinformed or has forgotten, we are in Cincinnati. Not only is Ohio weather incredibly schizophrenic, but the weather is less than warm at the end of October. Unless I missed a memo – which is entirely possible – goose bumps, knocking knees, chattering teeth, blue lips and cold hands – especially cold hands – are not sexy.

Plus, when you’re walking (stumbling) from party to party, the hot mama street walker heels are not going to show you any mercy.

Bonjour bunions, corns and blisters. Again, as far as I know, these things are not sexy.

“Do I endorse these slutty Halloween costumes we’ve come to know and love?” asked Chris Allen, a fourth-year business student. “Well, I’m a heterosexual male who likes big butts and I cannot lie, so what do you think?”

Well, Chris, this is what I think: There is a fine line between sexy and skanky. Some have mastered it and they actually look approachable. On the other hand, the girls in lingerie and heels have seen the fine line, thought about the fine line, assessed their costume on the varying-degree-of-slut scale and taken a big, fat hit.

While Chris may be all about the scandalous side of the spooky season, not all guys look forward to seeing nearly nude women on Halloween.

“They’re terrible,” said Joe Stanek, a third-year communication student, on slutty Halloween costumes. “I hate them. Go for funny; funny is more attractive than slutty. Not everyone can pull off funny. Anyone can do slutty.”

Unfortunately, it seems originality is a thing of the past. If you dress up as Little Red Riding Hood (uh-huh, nice), can-can dancer, pimp, ho, French maid, milk maid, whatever, you’re guaranteed to see at least two more girls in a similar costume anywhere you go. The pre-packaged costumes complete with leg garters and matching hats, are far easier to put together and less time consuming. And lucky for us, Hot Topic, one of the best places to find skank-a-licious costumes, is having a 50 percent off sale!
Get them while they’re hot.

But what’s at the core of the issue is trying to determine when slutty replaced scary. (I guess this also means there needs to be a way to differentiate between skanky and scary.)

Every year it seems the expectations of the standards for dressing up rise as high as the hemlines on the costumes’ skirts. And when the sky is the limit, I’m thinking it’s time to slow down, otherwise soon, instead of a nearly naked Halloween, someone is going to have to introduce a one-night only world-wide nudist colony.

I mean, really, someone is seriously going to be mistaken as a prostitute and taken downtown for booking at the rate we’re going. Would it really kill someone to throw on a sweater or a pair of tights?

Maybe I’m missing out on the bigger picture. Maybe hardly getting dressed merits more candy for Trick-or-Treat. Mama always told me less is more, perhaps she was actually right. So I wonder, what will my 15-year-old sister Kasey be wearing this Halloween?

French maid or sexy schoolgirl, help Taylor decide. Email her at dungjet@email.uc.edu