Getting by – by seat of my pants

For the last two days I have had the most unbearable wedgies. I’ve picked and prodded, in public and in the privacy of my room, to remove said wedgies from my rear.

What’s most aggravating about wedgies is that one of the most outrageously uncomfortable fashion faux pas isn’t even your fault.

It’s not your fault the underwear creeps around your butt cheeks giving you an unsettling atomic wedgie that would put any grade school bully to shame.

And what’s more unnerving about wedgies is picking them – in public. Oh, goodness. Talk about uncomfortable. Unless you’re in a social situation where you know everyone – or almost everyone, depending on how self-conscious you’re not – you either have to disguise picking your wedgie as something else or excuse yourself to the restroom lest you sit with bunching fabric up your butt.

The problem with just letting loose and picking a wedgie is that you can never really be sure exactly who is watching. Take, for instance, the first issue of The News Record that hit stands this fall. In a pinch for stories we sent Madison Galster, a reporter and pretty solid go-to gal to cover Rock the Vote, the less than effective voting campaign. Tom Smith, TNR managing editor, took his camera and snapped photos of the seven people who actually bothered to show up to see Bootsy Collins in his typical, yet unusual, get-up.

The very next day, centered on the front page, under the eye-catching “Pick a winner” was some unassuming blonde digging deep for her wedgie.

How unfortunate – for her. True, we had a few laughs at this strangers’ expense, but most of us felt for her. It can’t really be that comfortable knowing that the harmless and public display of wedgie removal was seen by thousands. (I cut the picture out and taped it to my door so I could relive the hilariousness of that moment for the duration of the year.)

So, now you’re asking: “What could be done to prevent such a wedgie from happening?” I’m so glad you asked: There are several preventative measures that can be taken to avoid unnecessary discomfort.

Avoid baggy bottoms. Baggy and saggy pants or shorts need to be pulled up more often than bottoms that fit well. When you pull up your pants, guess what comes with it? Oh yeah, your Underoos.

Wear snug panties. You might be thinking I sound like an idiot right about now. You might be right. But, for now at least, you’re wrong. Booyah! Wearing underwear that fits will alleviate the excess fabric that has the potential to creep between the buttocks. Granny panties are not, have not and will not ever be the solution - to anything.

Be picky about the cut. Again, granny panties are not the right cut if you want to avoid wedgies. Also prone to wedge itself in places where you don’t them are boy shorts, cheekies and thongs. Bonjour bad decisions (as far as wedgies go, anyway). The most anti-wedgie friendly is bikini-style underwear.

Avoid light-weight material. Your first instinct when buying underwear might be to pick up a nylon or silky fabric, but the lightweight fabrics tend to cling more readily than heavier, thicker cotton. The cotton underwear will be more prone to staying in place - and out of places you wouldn’t want them.

Um, don’t wear underwear? I gave up pants for a week, but that might be where I draw the line. Going commando does not top my list of things I would like to do, even in the name of fashion. But, the easiest way to avoid a wedgie, even if you’re a chronic picker, is to avoid the problem almost all together by not wearing any undies.

You know, we at TNR never did figure out whom that mysterious front-page wedgie-picker was. I’ll admit I am curious, though. Curiously enough, actually the girl … Oh, wait, shoot. I hope you’ll excuse me, and hold that thought. I have a serious wedgie to tend to.

Want to commiserate with Taylor?  Have your own tips to share?  Email her at: dungjet@mail.uc.edu.