I wouldn’t mind being Mitt Romney.

OK, wait, scratch that. I wouldn’t mind being married to Mitt Romney.

No. That’s a lie, too (can you imagine the nonstop horror of cheesy grins and coiffed hair?). I guess what it comes down to is, I wouldn’t mind having Romney’s money.

And I bet a lot of people feel the same way, especially after Romney revealed this week that his net worth falls somewhere between $190 to $250 million.

Note: That’s not $2.5 million (around about the lower estimate of what President Barack Obama is worth). That’s not even $25 million — which is a little more than Romney made in 2010.

That is 250 million genuine, bona fide big ones. I couldn’t even begin to visualize how much money that was, so I turned to my good buddy, the re-instated, post-SOPA Internet. Ah, old friend, how I missed you.

Turns out, it’s not quite enough to circle the Earth with dollar bills — he’s $7 million short. If you converted the
$250 million to dollar bills, it would weigh 551,156 pounds, or 275 tons. That’s approximately the weight of 40 elephants.

If Romney took his $250 million and spent $1 every second of every day, it would take him eight years to go broke.

Of course, that would be pretty silly of him. There are way, way better ways to spend that dough. In fact, I made a list of all the ways I would.

Go ahead and assume that 14 percent of taxes stands true for the total net worth — I know it’s a stretch, but I’ve only got 750 words here and a pure, unadulterated hatred of math. So that knocks off $35 million, leaving me with a cool $215 million to spend as I please.

Let’s start off with a new car — my 1991 Honda Accord is looking pretty shabby.

A Bugatti Veyron in Bearcat black and red will do nicely, and at the bargain auction price of $2.4 million, how could I pass that up? In fact, I could buy five more for my closest friends.

Next, I’ll need somewhere to live. I’ve got a soft spot for Chicago’s Lincoln Park neighborhood, and they just so happen to have the sweetest townhouse for sale on North Cleveland Avenue. $1.75 million for four bedrooms, four full — and two partial — bathrooms and 4,800 square-feet of glorious suburban dwelling? A bargain, in my book.

Of course, I’ll still need somewhere to live while I’m in school here in Cincinnati — I picked out a quaint little three-bedroom penthouse with

11 rooms and, best yet, a hot tub. There’s another $1.95 million well spent.

Next, I will need to get some R&R from all this energetic spending
— I’m exhausted! — so it’s off to Europe. For three months. With seven other people. Total cost? A paltry $135,200. Easy.

Then, of course, I’ll probably get so bored with spoiling myself that I’ll have to start helping out my family and friends. Pay off my parents’ house. Get some nice new cars for my dad, a few Matisse’s for my mom. Pay off all the college loans for all the people I like. Deck out my new condo and town house with the coolest furniture I can find, and go on one seriously brutal shopping spree with my sister.

But that stuff gets boring, and I’m estimating I’d still have more than $100 million to spend. So I’d invest in genetic engineering to create miniature giraffes — which would probably end up being bigger than Keurigs. I know I want two. I’ll name them Bonnie and Clyde.

Oh, and I want a Keurig. Definitely.

Then, you know, I’ll probably get around to doing some good in the world. Donate a couple million each to cancer research, my favorite animal shelter (Save the Animals Foundation), the Toledo Art Museum and whatever else I feel like. Not the Mormons — sorry, guys, I know Romney gave you $1.5 million last year, but it’s just not up my alley.

Then I’d walk around Cincinnati and hand out $100 bills to anyone who smiles at me. Because that’s the kind of stuff I think would be fun — little bits of do-good sprinkled around. Tip waitresses 300 percent. Pay for dinner for an entire restaurant of people. Pay for a good spring concert at UC and let everyone come for free — Lady Gaga? The Black Keys? Mumford and Sons? How about all three?
What I’m trying to say is, there are a lot of amazing things you could do with $250 million. I just don’t see Romney doing any of them.