It’s just three months in to the new year, and already people are going on and on about the rumored end of the world that’s supposed to take place Dec. 21. Generally when the topic comes up, I’ll just look the other way and chalk it up to a bunch of conspiracy theorists trying to stir up some hype, or a bunch of lazy Mayans who just didn’t feel like making a calendar anymore.

Regardless, people are always trying to pinpoint signs of the apocalypse, looking at wars, natural disasters and public figures in power. If you want real signs of the apocalypse, however, look no further than the world of sports post-Jan. 1.

No. 1: Harvard is relevant in sports:

Now how the hell did this happen? Harvard specializes in two things: rejection letters and producing the learned doctors, philosophical thinkers and political leaders of tomorrow.
Lately though, they’ve also been graduating professional athletes — and not just rowers and polo players, either. First, Ryan Fitzpatrick created “Fitzmagic” in Buffalo, and now, Jeremy Lin has stirred up LIN[insert pun here] in New York. Both are starting players in professional sports, and both were Harvard economic students. If the world really is going to end Dec. 21, they should be plucked from the sporting world and bred like rabbits in some underground bunker to ensure the
post-apocalyptic survivors are a race of gifted super children. Also, for what it’s worth, it also looks like the Crimson men’s basketball team will get a higher seed than UC in March Madness this year — madness, indeed. As with all Ivy League schools, Harvard doesn’t offer athletic scholarships, so how they manage to stay competitive and snag a great 2012 recruiting class is beyond me.

No. 2: Mike Brown received Owner of the Year award from ProFootballTalk.com:

I don’t know what’s scarier — the fact that he won the award — or the fact that he might have actually deserved to win the award. It’s no secret that Brown has been the farthest thing from his father since he took over the team — generally putting his own financial interests above the team’s interest — but this season, Brown actually made some smart moves. He stayed true to his gut and got an amazing deal for Carson Palmer, fired offensive coordinator Bob Bratkowski, drafted Andy
Dalton and A.J. Green and even lowered the ticket prices — not a bad 2011 rap sheet. He also rehired Marvin Lewis, who’s now revered by Texans fans throughout the land for his questionable play calling in the AFC wildcard round, practically handing Houston its first playoff victory in a nice, tiger-striped gift box.

No. 3: The Clippers are currently the best team in Los Angeles:

I never thought I would see the day, but sure as schnitzel, the Clippers are atop the Pacific West.
Granted, there’s plenty of time for that to change, but the combination of Chris Paul and Blake Griffin is proving to be deadlier than the Lakers’ Black Mamba. As a die-hard Bearcats basketball fan, however, I like to tell myself that Kenyon Martin’s words of encouragement from the sideline have been the real game changer. Regardless, the Clippers appear to be poised for their first playoff run since the 2005-06 season. This is happening in the same year that the Detroit Lions also went to the playoffs — a telltale sign of impending doom, according to most astronomers (likely Harvard grads). If the Pittsburgh Pirates are somehow in the NLCS this winter, I think we know it’s about time to stock up on essentials and head to the bunker.

No. 4: What’s considered a sport these days

This one’s a big one. Lets just set the record straight right off the bat: There are five major sports, which include basketball, football, baseball (for the time being), hockey and European soccer — or “real” football if you want to be an ass about it. Those five sports should be the only things covered on ESPN, because last time I checked, ESPN stood for Entertainment and Sports Programming Network, not Every Show on is Pathetic Nonsense. It seems like half the time I turn on ESPN, or one of its numerous stations, they’re showing something completely boring and irrelevant like bowling, darts or Skip Bayless. I pay for those stations, and I expect to see some real sports programming, not a hobby that I can watch the local drunkards compete in at the corner pub. Enough with airing the National Spelling Bee — I don’t need to be reminded that there are kids half my age who can spell words I can’t even pronounce — and enough with showing the Little League World Series. Do I even need to make a Jerry Sandusky joke here? Admittedly, SportsCenter is still pretty solid, but think about it — if they’re already showing bowling, darts and Colin Cowherd, what’s next? There was an article on Yahoo recently about some group trying to get Quidditch sanctioned as an official NCAA sport. The fact that this was a front-page story is scary. The fact there are already leagues and a World Cup event is downright frightening. The day ESPN starts covering those games will be the day I give up on sports, and the world, for good.

Boston fans

I don’t how what the Mayans, Nostradamus or the various religions around the world specifically said would be the cause of our ultimate destruction, but I think it’s a safe bet that Boston fans are going to play a part in it. The Patriots have already stirred the embers of hate with their second loss to the Giants in a Superbowl, and if the Red Sox fail to make the playoffs for a second-straight year, or if Mark Wahlberg comes out of the closet, the Boston faithful will have just the right amount of anger to show Vancouver how a real city riots.