Column: Transition back to class not easy task to complete

Well, back for another quarter here at the 513. When I last left you, everyone was gearing up for Spring Break, ready to take all the pent-up energy and sexual frustration to the coast. Now, I hope that everything went according to plan - no hotel balcony dives into the swimming pool or anything that you might have regretted. It's now time for another quarter of entrenched debauchery and general lack of self-worth.

This first week back at the University of Cincinnati will mostly serve as a week of detox for most of you Spring Breakers out there - Lord knows what kind of foreign substances have been coursing through your veins for the past week and a half.

So, after offering a complete guide to getting spring broken, the only rightful thing I should do is give the groggy, achy and bewildered coed a guide to get everything back into working order after a week of partying that surely will come back to haunt you.

First, relay some inside joke about your trip in your AIM profile. You'll notice my frequent mentions of the profile shout-out. It was the best way to publicize your recent Break voyage and now it's become the best way to showcase the vast array of slutty pictures that your friends took of you after a 13-second beer bong on the balcony of some dudes' room you just met from some community college in Delaware.

If the pictures are too embarrassing, you can always just Photoshop them to look like you're swimming with dolphins when really you're jello-wrasslin' a butch girl named "Blanche" who has several tattoos and what looks to be a moustache.

After dropping your inside jokes constantly, something like "Clearwater babes - pickle dance! LOL!," then comes the toughest part: withdrawal.

After a steady diet of toxins, your body will be in utter shock as new things like vegetables, fruit (not in margarita form) and grains (not in hard liquor form) enter your system.

What is the best way to cope slowly and wean yourself off that case-of-Natty-a-day diet you were so proud of last week? Maybe get a big scoop of water from the nearest toilet, add some paint chips, rubbing alcohol, tree bark and mucus and you'll get about the same flavor as your favorite naturally-brewed beer. Have one for breakfast and lunch, and then for dinner get fast food, just to replace easy girls with equally easy food.

You'll also need to cover up any scars, bruises, lacerations, tattoos, hickies, scabs, bites, knife wounds, rope burns, club stamps or maps to Dryland that you've acquired on your recent trip. My best advice is to use either scarves, handkerchiefs or even bigger tattoos.

Come home with an abnormally large picture of Tori Spelling on your left butt cheek? Just cover it with an even bigger picture of Jaleel White. Problem solved. Or better yet, an even bigger picture of Spelling on your friend's butt cheek.

"Stephanie, why do you have that horrid '90s actress tattooed on your bum?"

"I don't know Dad, but check out Jen's. Hers is twice as big!"

Same can go with hickies - just get a spider to bite you and soon that thing'll be leaking so many different fluids you won't even notice the new love bite some guy named Ricky laid on you in the bathroom of a rest stop in northern Georgia.

So if you follow these few tips, although they're not much, perhaps the slow re-integration back into normal society can be much smoother. Because what happened on Spring Break, probably won't stay on Spring Break.

Next year - no shirts, no dignity, no cameras.

Comments? E-mail Jeff at givemepizzaorgivemedeath@hotmail.com.